Friday, 18 January 2019

Things musicians NEVER say

Things musicians NEVER say

Karaoke is grand.
DJ's are good!
I need an extra power point for my laptop.
Press this button and we'll start playing another song.
I love Techno.

Put your wallet away. I don't need money. I just need more exposure.
Thanks, but we've been paid enough for today.
More than happy to play for free so we can get exposure.
Sure, no worries, we don’t mind playing for exposure.
Let's pay to play!
No don't worry about payment... in fact, we will Pay To Play... that's how it works isn't it? How much do you want?
I think you’ve paid us too much... here, take back half.
We’ll play for free... and we’ll even let the support act use our drums.
Yeah, we'll do a door deal.
I love being paid in promotion.
I love playing Benefits.

I'm happy to pay a non-refundable application fee for your festival.
Its OK that you double booked, just let the other band play, and they can use our PA/kit.
You want us to play at 10dB while they're eating? But you hired us knowing we play pub rock.
You know were a jazz band, right? You did read our press kit, didn't you, before you booked us?
I’m soooo relieved that you told me what kind of music your patrons liked when you booked me at your club... I would never have known that the over 60’s would prefer a top 40 setlist... you were so right, too... I never would have thought that just playing those songs would make the 200 people that were there leave - and actually draw 400 18+ music fans in off the street to support us!! Those young ones just love their live music!
It’s really cool that those other guys enjoy singing at your Sunday market for sixty bucks.

Are we too loud?
We'll play softer.
Can you turn me down please?
I know you guys didn’t mention it, but I’m gonna turn my amp down just in case.
Sure, I can turn down.
Please turn my bass down.
Turn up the drums.
No we don't like it loud either.
"That guitar looks too loud."
I'm sorry. Is my plectrum too loud?
Singer to drummer - “Can you play any louder? I can't hear you.”
Drummer - "Well, I could play with brushes..."
So long as it sounds good out the front, don't worry about the on-stage sound.
Can you check that ribbon mic for me? Yeah, just blow into it.
... needs more dobly...
I’ll take my ear plugs out and turn down a bit.

I'm more-than-happy to play Khe San/Brown Eyed Girl/Mustang Sally/Jessie's Girl/April Sun in Cuba/Horses/Barnsey/Chisel/Wonderwall/The Gambler for you.
Yes, I know some Slim Dusty songs, for sure.

Does anyone in the crowd have any requests? I never got around to defining or rehearsing a set list and am honestly just winging this, so a little direction from you guys would be really helpful. And I know we're a tribute band, but don't let that limit your requests to the context of the show - let your heart be your guide.
Thank you for interrupting me mid-song for your excellent request.
Yes I'd love to have a chat with you in the middle of my solo, while you're screaming KHE SAHN, KHE SAHN!

Who wants to come up on stage and sing/play with us?
Sure you can jump on stage and sing Horses.
Of course you can get up and sing with us.
Of course you can slobber all over my microphone.
Thanks so much for falling onto my mic stand, and smashing the mic into my teeth... no problem.
"Hey mate, do you mind if I play your Strat or Les Paul?"... Sure, you can play any of ‘em.
Sure, you drunk bastard, you can play my Gold Top.
Sure, of course it’s OK to come up onto the stage and play my 59’ Les Paul.
Thanks for getting up on stage, with your dog, and dancing right next to me.
Sure! Feel free to use our harmonica/tambourine/cowbell.
Here ya go... play my guitar/bass/drums.
Yes, you can get on stage and play my instrument, and you can probably do a better job than the whole band!
Your family says you're an excellent singer? Awesome, come up and have a sing.
Oh yes please - shake that tambourine... right in my ear... in a totally 'unique' time!
"Whoever was using our tambourine... could you please give it back?"
Oh, your drunk girlfriend is a great singer, is she? Sure, she can get up and sing "Lover lover lover you don't treat me no good no more", even though that's the only line she knows.
Oh yes, I love any drunk putting their beer glass on the piano or amp first, before leaning 5cm from my face, telling me a long rambling story about why they are asking me to play whatever song.
Of course you can pretend to play my expensive guitar, drunk dude/girl.
Absolutely. Have a play while I’m on my break.
Nah mate it's all good... I can just buy a new guitar.
You wanna jam on the drums to the break music? Sure mate. Why not ? D’ya wanna take the sticks home as a souvenir ?
Oh... and I'm happy to be fully distracted mid-song as drunks yank on/climb all over wobbling speaker stands. A smashed speaker might be fun... or a smashed child?

This next tune is called 'Why Don't You Chat Among Yourselves'.
We enjoy having no atmosphere.

Yeah, that's cool, you and your mates can park their beers on our $12,000 mixing desk.
Sure, play with them faders as much you like.
Just leave your beer there... no... not there.... here... on top of brand new Jands lighting desk.
Of course you can pop your drinks on the sub while you have a dance.
Oh no, that's fine... my bass rig is waterproof...
Sure... tip your beer into our mixer... we are just about done here.
Just a tip: seeing you'll be using my gear… perch your beer right here on top of the amp.

No, there's no need to buy a round of drinks for the band. We're fine, honestly!
That table there with our drinks and stuff… why don't you just sit there and bring all your mates.

The mix in this venue is great!
No need for a soundcheck.
Yeah mate, happy to turn my guitar down so you can mix the band properly through front of house.
You have a decibel meter at your venue that cuts the power to the stage when it hits 80db?....Cool!
We love those decibel meters you've installed at your venue that cuts the entire stage power if it exceeds 85dB. Thank you.
That's fine if you have seated the party of 12 celebrating their friends 65th wedding anniversary 3 feet from the FOH bins. We saw how irritated they were getting, when we were setting up... we won't bother with the pesky sound check at all.
Sure, I'm happy to save your childs' hearing by pulling their ears off the blaring fold-back speaker (whilst I'm trying to focus on singing)... just so you two parents can eat uninterrupted.

I dunno what's wrong? I never usually have any feedback problems running this mic'd flute through the wah pedal and the you think the problem could be when I grab the mic off the stand and point it into the speaker cone? Seems weird though, 'cause we're pretty quiet on stage for an 11 piece nu-death metal band, and our 3rd drummers not even playing tonight.

Sure we’ll play outside... and when it does start raining, we’ll just pack all our wet gear up and move it all inside, set it back up again and continue.
Stay calm, electric stuff these days is fine in the wet.
We brought our own circuit breaker to kill power to our gear.
Even tho our contract says your venue will provide all production, there's no PA or lights here at the venue, and we'll have to rush madly and provide our own at the last second. It's not a problem, really! (Actually happened!)
Do I have to bring my own milk crates?
Stage power? One powerpoint for the whole band? That's fine.
Two Bose on sticks should be fine for this 500-seater room, really.
Let's leave our backdrop behind for tonight.

Turn down the vocals in the foldback. I want to hear more of the other instruments.
No seriously, that's plenty of vocal through the foldback... actually, if anything, you could probably turn me down a little bit.
More kick in the vocal wedge, please?
More reverb in the foldback.
Can I please get some more ambient audience noise, cymbals, some pokie sounds, and maybe a touch more of the house music that is inexplicably always on in my fb?
Can you turn my foldback down, please?
No need for foldback, we prefer not to hear ourselves... especially when there’s so many people listening.

Just made my first million dollars on Spotify!
We finally made a profit from Spotify streams!
I wonder what I should do with my spare money?

I think I have enough guitars.
Yeah, I reckon one guitar is enough actually.
I have too many pedals.
I forgot my guitar.
I won't need my instrument stand tonight.
Should I add another cymbal to my kit?
My guitar was in tune when I bought it.
OK! I'm in tune.
I'm not sure, but I swear my guitar was in tune 3 weeks ago.
I have enough gear. I'm just gonna focus on practicing and improving my technique now.
More cowbell!
This Tandy microphone sounds fantastic.

Ab not the right key for your voice? Let's move it down to G#. Better? Thought so.
That bum note was deliberate, we're a jazz band.
Tuning? What's tuning?
What key are we doing this in tonight?
I'm playing an F in that riff but if you want to play an E there, I'm sure it'll sound great.
Do you have the chart for that...?
Hey I learnt all these songs at home... all we have to do is to practice together to make sure my part is right.

The lights right behind the drummer aren’t hot at all.
Please... keep those lights shining straight into my eyes - perfect!
No, of course we won't use much lighting... in fact, we love playing in the dark.
More fogger smoke please!
Those pyros were not loud enough.
3-phase power? What's that?

Sure, I can stay for a few more hours to entertain you and your drunken friends, and I'll do it for free.
Who wants an encore? I'm not tired, I've only played a 3-hour set!
Oh, you want us to keep playing? Yeah, you know what... sure! One more set, but don’t even worry about paying - our treat!
No, that's fine Mr Venue Manger... please stand right in front of us, with your stopwatch,  while we're playing, to ensure we play exactly 45-minute sets (actually happened!)

Let’s just skip Maccas on the way home - the venue fed us really well.
Thanks for the orange juice and sandwich. That hit the spot.
No, don't send yourselves broke feeding me, there was only a few hundred heads in the joint tonight, and the pokie room was only half full, I'm happy to pay out of my own pocket, and not even members prices, hit me with the full charge.
And finally - where do I buy my own beer to wash down this fine roast of the day?
What's a rider?
Forget about the rider, we'll bring our own tap/bore/car-radiator water.
Sure, you can have my share of the rider.
We've only driven for 4 hours we don't want a meal or a drink rider, thanks.
Our manager has drunk the rider, again.

This is our new original song, so why don't you all go to the bar, until we do some more covers.
Can we start again?
And to the crowd, you guys have been great! But really we owe the success of tonight's show to the bass player.

The setlists are printed out legibly for eveyone tonight.
I'm glad you changed the setlist without telling me. I love the challenge of learning a song I've never heard on the spot.
Has anyone seen the drummers sheet music?
I love drummers that change the number of counts before a song starts without telling anyone. Sometimes its a 2 beat count, sometimes 4. It keeps me guessing.

See that guy filming our gig? You can stand right in front of him.

Really, you want an invoice? A what?
I'll pay you tomorrow.
The cheque is in the mail.
Oh you forgot to pay me before my rent was due? That's OK, these things happen. I can always find another place to live.
Thanks, but I’d rather you paid me by cheque. Just mail it to me.
There's no need to pay right now.
You paid our manager? We don't have a manager. (This is my favourite! hahaha)

Of course you can use my song in your advertisement.
Me: “Why do we need insurance to play?"  Venue: “Because Marvin Gaye's estate.”
Who needs a "Press Kit" for the band, anyway?
We don't need to be heard/promoted on the radio/internet, thanks.

I know its 35° outside and we're loading-in a truck-load of gear, but honestly, I have so much respect for the dignity of your RSL/sports club, that I was going to put a shirt on over this singlet anyway.
Stairs access only? At least it's only 4 flights though.
I really enjoy humping the equipment in from the parking lot 2 blocks away.
No, of course I don't mind you standing in the access doorway, having a smoke, while I'm trying to carry this quad box.... no really, it's fine... I can wait...
Singer: can I help lug your drum kit/trap case?
Hey drummer buddy, need a hand setting that up?
Of course we won't be using the van while we're playing. If it's only for a few bags of fertilizer, yes, you can use it.
Oh, of course the singer doesn't have to help the rest of us pack up and lug.
I love packing up.
Just yank the cable really really hard. It'll come free.
I miss W bins.
Don't bother coiling those leads up... just throw them in there as they are... and it's OK if you step on them as well... really appreciate your help.
Here, let me carry those W Bins up the 6 level fire stairs for you.
Would you like us to stay and help bump out?

You know, if they made this stage a little smaller, they could probably fit at least 10-12 more pokies in here.
Great stage, a piece of 3 ply on 4 milk crates is the perfect stage for a 5 piece rock band.
Stage is pretty small, it'd be great if your drum kit was all over it.
I won't bring my extension leads tonight - I'm sure I won't need them.
No, seriously... we love playing on the floor... a sticky-carpeted floor.

Nah, I wouldn't mind at all, if the footy broadcast played over the top of our first 2 sets.
Can we leave the TV/Keno on behind the stage while we are playing? At least people will be looking in our direction.
Leave the TV on for sure. I love having it directly behind my head with the football on.
Please feel free to call out your Raffle numbers over our set.
Strippers are our support act... again?

Where are we playing next? Good question.
Of course it's safe traveling in the back of the van with all the unsecured gear at night. Kangaroos? Harmless creatures! Sleep? Pfft!
What’s that? “A private party in your backyard, with no stage or cover. Oh, and it's going to be 42 degrees with no cloud. Oh, and you want a discount"? Sure!
2am - Thanks so much for locking us in for your cousins-mothers-aunties-best friends high-paying wedding gig! Look forward to hearing from you in the morning first thing!
We really like playing at your biker gang parties, but is it true you're all gay?

I think your girlfriend left with our drummer.
I have a girlfriend.
What am I doing after the gig, sweetheart? I think I'll just go home and change my strings.

Actually yes I have heard of your cousins band, I'm their biggest fan!
Shit, that guitarist can really play! Their songs are awesome! Smoking hot rhythm section too... have you heard their demos on Facebook? I'm so gonna tell my mates about them, take a bunch of them to their shows!

Thanks to my music teacher.
Do I need to bring my own guitar to the lesson ?.... No, you can badly play my best strat and bend the whammy bar, up and down, like a maniac, as much as you like.

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Peas be with ewe 

Thursday, 17 January 2019

Summer in Australia

Actual temperature chart of the globe, Jan. 2019... yes, Australia is the hottest place on the whole planet!

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Peas be with ewe 

Online Sensory Overload

I know I swing between feeling completely fine online and enjoy participating in social media (etc) and all its' positive social and community benefits for me,

to running away from it completely - simply from feeling overwhelmed and over-stimulated with all its constant waves and deluges of ongoing negatives and mindless chaotic mush.
"As all the visual and auditory stimuli engulf me, I feel the same sense of panic that I felt as a kid when I got stuck in a riptide at the beach and almost drowned." *
That's why I'm not always so 'consistent' sharing online - although I know I am not obliged to, either. It's an ongoing journey for me, finding that 'balance'.

By Matt Allen G - April 29, 2018 
(Thanks to @beautifu75 for the link )

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Peas be with ewe