There are a few loyal friends out there still, bless 'em.
I've always been "misunderstood". People who know me think I'm a little "weird". My family knew and accepted that. The boys' mum knew and accepted that (up until a certain point... [cough]). Call it the artistic bent, call it... I don't know what...
I'm happy being me. It's fun. As the old 'The Who' song goes, "Seemingly I must be mad, insanity is fun". But I know lots of people just don't seem to have a lot of time for someone who seems to come from left field a-bit. People drop-off the social radar quickly. Not returning friendly calls, or notes, or messages. It's still happening. Right now (and no, this isn't about that 'old friend' I tried to get in touch with earlier this week either. This is more recent... definitely not something of the last few days events, OK?, but as in following the last two years of what I thought was a good friendship). Obviously I'm not what they'd consider a 'friend', even tho we've spent the last 2+ years getting to know each other on a fairly good decent reciprocal level of what I would have considered as "being friends".
And what upsets me the most is that - I honestly swear (cross my heart etc) - I have no idea why some people simply do not like me or want to hang out with me.
I'm not an asshole, I'm not wholly selfish (I'm a single guy, so obviously I'm selfish to a certain degree, but I don't prohibit things with interaction with others, you know?), I listen, I try to interact, dialogue, communicate. I know I have my flaws, my warts, my problems. As we all have.
Why does stuff with me just a lot of the time seem to be a one-sided thing?
I wish people would just say, "Mal, I like you as a mate, but... let's not hang out together for a while, OK, because of a.b.c?" You know, I'd be totally OK with that - because I'd KNOW.
It's the not knowing that is the soul crusher.
What have I done? Said? Not done or said? Is there a change in circumstances? Tell me! Let me know! Don't just stop all channels of communication after two years, like we didn't even know each other?
It hurts. Really hurts.
All. I. Want. Is. A Core. Group. Of. Friends.
I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm listless. I'm drained.
... and I only managed to get out and about for about 30 minutes into todays' glorious sunshine before I had to scurry back home again.
I know it's just all bad karma payback after what happened in 1985, so it's not like I can say, "What the fuck did I do to deserve all this?", you know?
Welcome to my world.
I recalled about two months ago I was thinking aloud, "something big is about to happen, but I don't know what?" Well, it was playing writing and recording the Lancelot's Pram album, obviously. It was "big" for me, but not "big" as in world-changing, and that's quite OK. I know, realistically, that at most I won't sell any more CD's than the ten I have already, expect the occasional one at a gig I play at somewhere. That's OK, because that's what I expected of it. There's been quite a few people who've said over the past three months, "Oh, we'll certainly buy a copy of it when it comes out"... who, of course, I never hear from again! That's life.
I've worked-out most of the arrangements for the next album [either jotted them down in "Mal-speak" or sitting in my head], but I'm still up-in-the-air about how to record some of them... either as a 'band' concept [drums bass keys etc], or just minimalist stuff. I guess I'll try both with some of it and just see what works and what doesn't.
I'm doing it for me. A bit of simple recognition of the time, effort, and creative bent that goes into making something as basic as this is nice now-and again. But in the end, I'm just doing it for me, because I realistically know that no-one else really gives a flying fuck about it. And that's fine in the end.
It's not as though I've got a lot else to do...
Peas be with ewe
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