Thursday, 9 January 2014

The middle of the night is always the hardest time

I'm feeling not quite as despondent this afternoon, as I write this. However, the following feelings for me were very real, believe me!

12:45 AM 9/01/2014
The following is quite blunt and explicit. If you do not want to be offended, then please do not read onwards.
Just past midnight, Thursday 9 January 2014, Kelso (Bathurst) NSW.
I am a mess.
I am *so* tired, but I simply cannot sleep... this is so very frustrating. It's just adding to the overall stress/anxiety feelings swamping me at the moment.
I'm beginning to feel as if I'll just end up as a long-term resident of Bloomfield Hospital, you know - the funny farm out here. I'm just feeling so tired, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed... I know feeling so tired isn't helping, but it's catch-22... I honestly do not know how I will find the emotional resources to pull myself through this current situation. And it's honestly freaking me out.
I need help, but I just don't know when/where/how that will happen. I don't feel as if my distress is being taken seriously, to be honest. And that's disturbing.
I feel like I have no choices left anymore.
I know the person whos' home I'm currently staying in) isn't really coping with it all, living at his place (the same way others weren't coping with it, understandably), even though I'm trying to keep out of his way as much as I can. He is an extremely gracious, generous and kind person, whom I love dearly as a friend, and I hate feeling as though I am somehow being a pain in the ass for him, by me being here. I'm trying not to get in the way, honestly! I just feel that everything I do is either wrong or taken as wrong, when I'm not actively doing anything negative. It's just how I'm feeling about it all at the moment. It's probably not right at all, but the feelings are real.
It's a VERY confusing and unsettling place to be. Being me, right now.
I just feel so "in the way" / a nuisance... to everybody. Like a right pain in the ass, that people would wish would just fuck off and leave them alone.
My family has basically disowned me, if the truth be known. I'm an embarrassment, probably. I feel dismissed. I miss them *so* much. (OK, so *now* I cry...)
The thing is... that problem is ME. I still am.
Then my guts are acting up like insanity as well... goes hand-in-hand with the anxiety/angst. I just had to have a shower, because, well - I shat myself just sitting here. Yes, it comes on that quickly. It's humiliating.
It happened to me downtown on Monday as well... I felt like a total freak. Humiliated.
Homeless, unemployed (unemployable at the moment, to be honest), feeling really physically unwell, and feeling redundant.
On top of that, I'm expected to find gainful employment... well, that's another story... after 5+ years of only legally being able to find temporary menial part-time paid work (that's another whole story in itself, and a big problem that will never be adequately resolved)... so I'm trying to feel as tho I'm somehow being "productive" by doing all the volunteer work with the radio. But the powers that be don't see it that way. Another catch-22.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I'm even too tired and exhausted to burst into tears. I just feel so 'alone'.
Any feelings of joy, hope and humour I had, have seemingly evaporated.
As I have no one left to 'talk to' any more, trying to express the inexpressible like this, has become my own way of 'talking', at the moment. I don't know if it'll help... but it'll sure make for some fascinating reading in years to come!
Just some of the totally mixed emotions I'm battling thru at the moment, trying to put confused thoughts into words... it's something 'they' say you should try to do at times like this.

Peas be with ewe 

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