Hiya, Paige. Hey, I can't always be bright, cheerful, bubbly and all that all the time - I wouldn't really be me then, would I? I thought I'd kicked this depression... looks as tho it was just a temporary thing. FUCK. What else can I say about it? I'm extremely frustrated and disappointed to be back here again, after feeling so "normal" for so long, after so long. This is devastating for me. Maybe it's just the subconscious after-effects of the tragic bushfires, I don't know. If you don't want to know about any of this 'real life' stuff about me, then that's fine too. There's plenty of other places on the 'net to go visit. That's cool.
The band... well. We ARE doing great together as friends and mates... but to my ears, the music we're currently making honestly sounds ferking terrible!!! It aches me to say it, but we sound absolutely awful at the moment! It truly breaks my heart to honestly acknowledge it. I just don't know what to do about it, I really don't - and that's frustrating for me as it is. I know you don't really appreciate it, but this band... it's been my passion, heart, time, effort and finances for 18+ months now... to really stop, step back and listen to what we really sound like at the moment is absolutely devastating in my ears.
We suck, basically. I hate to say it. But we really do. Out of 40+ songs, only about five or six really 'work'. That's just heartbreaking.
It's not Eddie, nu uh. It's not Julian, nu uh. It's not me, nu uh. Individually we're playing pretty well. Just together... how do I say it honestly? As a sound together as a band, it's just not working. SHIT.
I just don't know what to do about it. I just don't have the emotional energy to start from scratch. Again.
"Oh, Mal... you're just feeling
down today.
It's not as bad as all that.
She'll be right...
You'll come good again in a few days..."
down today.
It's not as bad as all that.
She'll be right...
You'll come good again in a few days..."
It's not that. At. All.
[walks off slowly , head down, with slumped shoulders, kicking a can absentmindedly...]
Peas be with ewe
Cyalayta,
Mal :)
Cyalayta,
Mal :)
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The Black Dog bites hard and never goes away. The opportunity to stay out of the hole is very difficult and all I can offer is keep up the good work. On the band start having fun and do not let the Black Dog sour your ears. The best periods of my life have come when I have focused on doing what I do to my standard. I work on a simple rule - today I have done my best tomorrow I shall do better - the measurement is simple and varies according to the tasks I have had to perform. When I achieve that state of mind man do I fly...Keep up the struggle my friend and start enjoying the journey again.
ReplyDelete((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))
ReplyDeleteI'm sure things will be fine.
Thanks. I'm gonna need a few days to rediscover a proper sense of perspective about this band at the moment...
ReplyDeleteThe band sounding bad may just be a reflection of how you're feeling right now. Hold off on any decisions about it for a while.
ReplyDeleteHi Mal- the Black Dog obviously grabbed both of us with his big maw of a mouth. The band will sound better in a week or two when you all relax and don't try too hard. Some dispassionate friend can sit back and give you some ideas on balance and what's missing or too much with it. I find that feeling helpless around the bushfire thing- and supposedly being very well-off compared with the victims- is really biting me inspite of my efforts to do normal things. Keep chilling.
ReplyDeleteI love this post Mal, you are awesome.
ReplyDeleteYou totally "do not suck!" like you say, its just one of those weeks! Keep the faith my friend, We have total faith in you! Woops! You might totally have to save my life tomorrow! Just applied some dye to TBF's hair LOL! Looking very wranger to me!!!! Hahahaha! What more can that girl do to her hair? (Apparently this time we are going brown?????) God help me! I thought the boys were trouble! The girls are totally killing me! Note to girls in Karisma's house: Do NOT ask for mama's help "after" she consumes too much wine! (She tends to lose all her sympathy towards stupidity!)"
ReplyDeleteMal, you are terrific, don't worry just now, wait a little while, I agree with WT, give a little time. Caz is awesome and if she say's you are then you are! So there! I know Im an annoying shit but I love you and Im like a bloody mozzie! My love sticks, so there! I am sure I am going to shit you on many an occasion but I will do it with lots of love! Excuse me in advance! (And don't tell dh, he will smack me! I am not allowed to be annoying to others! Okay? Just ask WT, he ignores me and rolls his eyes accordingly! (or he ignores me when I am obnoxious! Just ask him!) Im sure all will come right for you and the guys! This week is truly a sucky week for us all! Big hugs and smoochies xxxxxxxx
Ps: I really do not think you sound as bad as you say! I love music and would so love to hear you play! You were so positive last week! Mwah! xoxoxooxx
Hope you are feeling more like your happy self soon... the bushfires are definitely getting me down, and then there's the floods, so there's a lot to process. Not to mention a small child just wee'd on my couch tonight ;)
ReplyDeleteOh poor baby....could the music sound bad just because you're in a bad place??? Are you taking something for the depression? I am a firm believer in better living through chemistry!!
ReplyDeleteJimBob speaks with wisdom.
ReplyDeleteI have been there too Mal, and there are no words to help you, just know you have many friends who care about you, and I am one of them. Here if you ever need to talk mate.
And btw drugs are good. I'm serious, I would not be here if it weren't for the medication I am taking, and probably will have to take, for the rest of my life. Also saving me at the moment are the Executive Stress B Complex supplement I take every day. They really help.
I don't think that any thinking compassionate person in our country is unaffected. I feel ashamed even to be celebrating today...part of my head and heart is down in Victoria...The depressed feelings may be back but what happened this week has to have made it worse. After mum died in 1993 I found a tape she had made. She was going into another depression and before it got bad. she told herself on the tape that she had to go through this time but she knew that there would be an end to it and she would feel better in a month or two. She was the most kind and compassionate mother and I was lucky to have her...
ReplyDeleteher own dark days seemed to give her insight into things most don't feel...and she loved music...from you blog its plain to see you are a person with insight which may have come to you through some dark days...
I hope this time your feeling like this is short...be kind to yourself okay.