There's no logical explanation for why it happens... like flicking a switch on-and-off somedays... usually there's a trigger... but not always.
Anyways...
I'd really like to thank Trish at "This Country Life" for being the first person in almost 4 1/2 years of blogging who actually appreciates my situation: "There has to be something we can do about 'non custodial parents'. I was one too and had no rights whatsoever..."
I've been a divorced dad for over 6 years now, and every road I walk down in this area seems to rise up and smash me in the face. Until I get to a point where I'm beyond feeling about it.
Soul-destroyingly numb.
A few years ago I tried participating in a mens' group who were in the same situation as myself. The more we explored our mutual situations and legal rights together, the more despondent we became.
Needless to say I didn't stay with that group for very long, sadly.
The boys' mum is a great mum, and I totally respect her for that. The boys are in a great loving family environment, and I could not be more positive and excited for them. That's the whole reason I'm not totally insane.
The twist is that she knows I have virtually no rights and comebacks as far as being the 'non custodial parent', and rubs it in my face on a bi-monthly basis. Subconsciously, but she does it.
It's been over three years since the boys have come over to my place to hang out. Their school treats me as a 'person non-grata' as far as their education goes... oh, until they require some money out of me, of course. Asshats.**
It gets to a point where I am numb beyond caring. I get to a point where I simply don't ask anymore, because there are only so many times you can hear "no" as an answer... the amount of invalid reasons and mindless excuses I've been handed... 6 years times every few weeks... you do the fucking maths.
That's the emotionally-crippling aspect of all of this.
Oh, I'll shut up. No-ones' interested anyways. I'll just post a funny picture instead.
Oh, by the way... that's the first time I've ranted anything remotely negative about my boys' mum in 6+ years. It won't become a habit.
Divorce isn't something you just "get over".
Batshit* asshats.
It's raining here! I still get excited about it because it's only happened a handful of times here over the last six years!
I was having this conversation with a fellow rural-living blogger recently...
This is how people born-and-bred in the city think (it's true!) -
Q: Where does water come from? A: The tap.
Q: Where does milk come from? A: The Carton.
Q: Where does meat come from? A: The plastic tray from the freezer.
Most of the Western world has no idea... much to their own detriment.
I know. I was the same way until I moved out here... didn't take a second to think about it.
Now I totally appreciate the endless, thankless work people living on the land perform for the continuation of our daily living.
* For whatever strange, bizarre, unexplainable Twilight-Zone reason, this seems to have become 'word of the week', hasn't it? lol
** How about the fact that the schools dearly-loved ex-Principal and former head teacher passed away recently (very very sad!) - yet I had NO IDEA until Wednesday night?!?
Peas be with ewe
Cyalayta,
Mal :)
Cyalayta,
Mal :)
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I'm very sorry about your frustration over being a non-custodial parent. I see the pain with the parents I work with, who do not have custody. Keep having hope, things will get better. You have two amazing boys, who adore you. That will only get stronger, no matter what goes on with the rights/visitation. Believe.
ReplyDeleteTake Care of yourself. Smile and enjoy your day.
Mal, I agree with the city folk answers to those questions, but having lived in regional areas for a very long time, I have to say that the country folk could pull their heads out of their butts occasionally.
ReplyDeleteOff the top of my head, here's some questions and answers...
Q. Where does beer come from. A. the pub.
Q. Where do tractors come from. A. the dealership.
Q. Where does electricity come from. A. the power point.
You've been nominated for a Butterfly award from me too! I subscribed to you blog so I dont miss anything you have to say. Sorry about the frustration about the ex-wife and kids, but I see you have a great relationship with them when you have them, and NOBODY can take that away from you!
ReplyDeleteHere is something which might help you a little or help the boys in the future...you can write well, we all know this...so
ReplyDeleteour family were all great letter writers...mum would write letters and in each one was a story about some time in childhood or a story about us as kids etc.
When our daughters both left home at 17 to see the big wide world..i thought my heart would never mend...so each week i would write them a 4/5 page letter about what had happened that week, or something funny i had seen, something remembered from childhood. One answered often the other not so often...but they still have those letters and they tell a story.
Could you maybe write an individual letter to each son, just with a jike or something in it...something personal from your own life, whatever... nothing she can use against you in any way and just give it to them when you see them, just ebfore you say goodbye.
You may never get much of an answer but mayvbe something will go inot them of you and of how you feel about the world and them etc...but written down, something they can hold onto...Its a bit of a disclipine and i would use many hours doing this...not now as we are in touch by the bloody phone...sad...but still
worth a shot...
re milk from cartons...thats laughable, but if you grew up in the coutry its hard to imagine people really don't know
Horrible scenario for you. I'm a female - mother - who had it happen to me. My daughters dad took her overseas for an approved / agreed 18 months and didn't return for 9 years... during which time I couldn't see her, presents were returned ripped up and phone cords pulled out of the wall so I couldn't get through at the allocated time. Oh and they moved several times as well - so i had to constantly track them down.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to depress you with my story except to say there will be light at the end of the tunnel because my daughter came home. Her dad found her too much to handle when she entered her teenage years and he needed "help".
However on top of this - she has admitted she knew the scenario was wrong and she would have come looking for me regardless.
I reckon your boys will do the same.
Stay sane for them... keep a diary and photos and share you life when they are ready, old enough and you can share a beer together or whatever it is. Life isn't always immediately now... it's a life - and it takes a bludy long time :)
xxxcharlie
Holidays are suppose to be happy and jolly, but sometimes for other people it brings them down. I know i would be upset if i couldn't be with my children on an important holiday.
ReplyDeleteHave you talked with the boys? Maybe they can sway your ex? They are at an age that they should be making some decisions on where and when they want to be.
(((((BIG HUGE HUGS))))))))))))
I have no children so its hard for me to understand how you could even like the little rotters let alone miss them, pine after them, worry about them.
ReplyDeleteMurder? Kidnap? Suicide? I'm sure all these options have been considered. Your boys will grow up quickly (apparently) and will all too suddenly be free to make up their own minds about when/where/and how long they see you. Indeed you may be still trying to get rid of them in ten-fifteen-twenty years when they're still sponging on Dad because he's such a softy and so terribly guilt-ridden for all those years of wanton neglect. You heinous bastard--you.
I have a friend in a similar situation; well lots of people are in a similar situation. He doesn't know where his daughter is and hasn't seen her in over five years, as law or no law her mother absconded.
I'm hoping I simply do not loose any sanity I have left before the boys are old enough to be able to make those decisions for themselves. JD at 15 knows full well whats been going on - and there's no way I'm gonna say anything negative about their mother to them. It's not their role to be messengers or have negativities cast upon them. That's simply not fair on them or their mum.
ReplyDeletebut yeah... can I stay sane long enough to be able to enjoy a life with my own children in the meantime? That's my dillema. And it's driving me slowly crazy.
Blah blah blah batshit.
Your earlier post had me reliving so many things yesterday, I thought about the stuff that went down with my older kids all day. Main point is, and you said it, never put their mum down to them (vent to us all you like though, it helps).
ReplyDeleteTherese's idea is a wonderful one. Write it all down for them. I am currently writing a book for my kids to tell MY side of the story, with no bitterness, just facts. My older children are all adults now, and are starting to realise what really happened now they know I love them and want to be part of their lives. My oldest girl especially now feels resentment towards her stepmother for keeping them from me. Unfortunately this will happen to your sons too eventually. The saddest thing is, boys need their father so much, and you seem like such a wonderful, sensitive and caring man and they are missing out on all that you could be contributing to their lives.
How dare the school not recognise you as a father with parental rights? I am so angry as I write this. It's just all so wrong.
But have patience as I did. My two girls and I are now in regular contact, and my son will come around as he gets older too.
Thank you all so much. So much combined wisdom. I'm trying to kep things positive whenever I'm in touch with the boys and their mum. Always.
ReplyDeleteBut it's sometimes not so easy.
Patience... I'll be an old man by the time all this passes, or I'll already be dead, and they'll never know me. catch-22.
A book sounds like an interesting idea. A very good idea, in fact. Almost inspirational, in fact. [scratches chin thoughtfully]. Considering I've technically got nothing to do for the next year, a book could definitely be in the works. [ponder ponder ponder]
Hope I don't cark it first tho! lol