Caring

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So, when did “Not Caring” for people become the norm for us all? This is really having a huge negative effect on my mental health right now.

I feel as though any energy, mojo, life-force, motivation, energy, or sense of ‘self’ has simply been sucked out of me until there is nothing left of ‘me’ anymore. Honestly, I have no aim, purpose, drive, or motivation for anything at all anymore.

I do not want to kill myself, OK? I am not saying that. I just do not want to live like this anymore.

“I have no emotional or psychological strength left within me to do anything about it anymore. I can't fight this any longer.” That’s what I am trying to say.

I feel as though years of ‘trying to jump through mindless bureaucratic hoops of a non-caring non-human or humane system’ has led to this. Oh sure: ‘blame the system, Mal.’ When people do not care about people: what’s the point of it all, then? When did ‘the program’ become more important than ‘the person’?

It is hard for me to understand why I am not believed. If I do ‘x’ (as requested of me), then ‘x’ - I am constantly told - is either wrong, not acceptable or not good enough for the mindless non-caring ‘system’. This sucks the life-energy right out of me. Years of it. Endlessly.

My Catch 22: I am disabled enough not to be gainfully employable. But I am not disabled enough to be considered ‘disabled’. Yes, that’s the problem: I do not fit into any of the slots/holes/boxes in any of the ‘system’ I have become ‘too hard’ for the system - and people - to deal with.

So they just ignore/dismiss me. I honestly feel like people just treat me like I am invisible, with no soul, feelings, or essence at all. I do not exist anymore. I am nothing. “Mal’s stuff… I just don’t wanna deal with that…”

There are exceptions to this (thankfully), but they seem to become fewer and fewer as time progresses.

I hate feeling like a burden or a nuisance – but this is all I feel I am anymore. And honestly: I hate it. Loathe it.

I know: these are all unanswerable questions. But this is what I am emotionally struggling with right now. And to be honest: I’m not coping at all with it.

I know these feelings will pass in a day or two, but I think I am trying to express what it’s like when “The Black Dog” (depression, anxiety etc) strikes, while it’s upon me. It’s bloody horrible… like wallowing in a black pit of bottomless mud, treading water whilst wearing concrete shoes.

OK, that’s enough.

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Peas be with ewe 
Mal

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