Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Nowhere, man?

The last 24-48 hours emotional depressive episode has really knocked the wind out of my sails. I've totally lost all my enthusiasm, and a lot of my thoughts have been very black.

I know there's no point trying to explain what it feels like, because i] no-one really gives a $#it, and ii] it's impossible to describe to someone who's never experienced it for themselves.

What's really annoyed me is how quickly it came on, for no apparently good trigger; and that it came on at all. It kinda just came out of nowhere, which really threw me.

What really pisses me off about it, and makes me feel like giving up, is that there is NO ONE here to talk to about it. No, really, there isn't.

I'm so glad the guys in the band weren't around last night or this morning, because I'm feeling so disconsolate, I would have told them I quit the band. I would easily just walk away in this state of mind. I know it's bad when I'm thinking like that, because the band is one of the few things I have left in my life that has anything of worth or value in my $#itty little life.

One of the next times when this stuff happens, I just may not have the emotional strength to face it all again.

It's f@rking exhausting. All I want to do is sleep. I'm going back to bed for a few hours for a cry and try to sleep again, and it's only midday. It's not good, is it? But, "there it is."

But, on a positive, there's a school Parent/Teacher night this evening. That's always a positive, so I'm looking forward to that. I know SJ and Ix are going well at school, but yeah - tis always good to have a chat with their teacher too.


Peas be with ewe

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  1. Oh Mal! Hang in there!!! You know you are NOT alone! I force optimism upon myself in my dark hours. BLOG IT OUT! I believe that my blog is my therapy. Who cares why or how the darkness comes upon us... it is fighting your way out that is important.

    Get busy -- that is always my best advice in dealing with the darkness... wear yourself out so that you don't have time to let the dark thoughts in and so that sleep comes quickly to relieve you.

    I find blogging it out helps more than talking it out for me. May your parent / teacher night remind you of why everything is worthwhile. You have kids who make life interesting, fun, and worth living!!! You are irreplaceable. Do not forget this.

  2. Keep on keeping on- you know there are good times out there to be had! Just stay on deck- your boys love you. Getting busy is an ideal- I can't meet it currently- I guess you have that lack of energy and drive. Nothing appeals- old interests seem bleh. But the episode might disappear almost as quickly as it came. Make sure you're on the right medication- it'll save your life. I feel better on a half hour gentle walk every day when its not wet. Taking photos of anything- even the gutter, keeps me going. I hope you find an even keel soon and get out on the Gherkin! Kids next door used to call our cat (name of Merkin), Gherkin!

  3. You know so many of your online friends understand this darkness only too well so please keep talking it out to us all, on your blog or plurk or wherever, don't give up on us because we know you're a worthwhile friend to have around.

    If you ever want to chat on the phone when you're in the bleak moods, I can give you my number and will be available to lend an ear if you need one. Just remember we ALL do care about our friend and want to help if we can.

    Hang in there, you've achieved so much more than you realise at this moment and it's only the darkness that's not letting you see that.

    We loves ya!!

  4. 'This too shall pass' - hold onto that thought. Best wishes.

  5. prayers and thoughts are with you...wish that i lived in Australia so i could be there for you.

    Take Care Mal...keep busy

  6. Far out! Are you sure there is no one to talk to? Try an find someone,. and I can't tell you anything else except that maybe you could get back to nature, like, I know you loved it when you get out and take pics of the local surroundings...do that, you will find you think of other things then.

  7. I hope you come through this and start feeling more like your old self soon


  8. You haven't been hanging round someone who sucks your energy like I have I hope. Its taking days to recover.

    It helps when the darkness comes to get out in sunshine for a few hours and if prone to it to do it as a matter of course. Sounds trite but helps sometimes - even if tired get a blanket and get sun on your skin minus any protection.

    Will be away for a week but will read through all your later ones in that timne - leave this morning, just wanted to check in. I hope it has all turned out in later posts.

  9. Thank for your comments and encouragement.

    Unfortunately, when these dark manic moments crash over me, I'm literally unable to do anything about it, even if I had the emotional or physical energy to want to. That's the hardest part.

    I still have paranoid moments [tis just a small symptom of bigger things...] that i feel i'm unable to blog everything I really want to get off my chest on here, because I fear someones' gonna read something out of context and run with it... oh, you have no idea how simply destructive small-town gossip can be.

    i should know... why do you think I'm such a shattered individual? anyways...