I went to my first 'official' counseling session this morning, to which I had been referred. I've been waiting about 6 weeks for this appointment.
Unfortunately, within five minutes they told me that they weren't the right person to work with me. They only worked with people in 'A-B-C' situations, unlike myself who is in an 'X-Y-Z' situation.
So, to cut a story really short - it was a total waste of time.
I've been referred back to where I started from in the first place. So yeah - I have to start again from step one.
What a fucking waste of time.
I'm not impressed. But, what can you do?
We had a band jam yesterday arvo at Julian's place. That should have been inspiring for me... but I nearly didn't turn up.
My head was in a really bad place yesterday morning. I didn't / couldn't get out of bed until an hour before I was supposed to be there.
I forced myself to go, because I knew it'd be a good opportunity to relax and do something I really enjoy.
And yes, of course, I had a really good time. Playing with Julian (the drummer) makes everything feel so satisfying. Playing with him makes everything worthwhile, even tho none of the others do their 'homework' before coming to a rehearsal.
I played but stayed in the background. I just wasn't emotionally able to 'lead' anyone, let alone sing with any confidence. I'm not the band 'leader' anyways, but they seem to look to me as one. But I'm not - and I keep telling them. I just do a bit of simple basic administration... but that's not 'leading' a band. I'd like to do some more "Musical Directing" with these guys, but my head just isn't there at this point in time.
I dunno if they even want to be 'directed' anyways. Hmmm...
I know it's almost impossible to explain to people who do not understand mental illness what its like to be in such a bad head space. It's a catch-22 situation for me to be in. Externally I can seem like I'm alright. Inside I'm a quivering tower of jelly, with no confidence at all.
I'm not - like - that. That's not who I am. That's why I'm trying hard to get some help - but finding good help seems awkward to find at this stage.
Peas be with ewe
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